Thursday, June 18, 2009

Ordean, o how we loathed thee

For those of you that care, or don't, grand ole Ordean Junior High (or Ordean Middle School for you young whipper snappers) will soon be reduced to the pile of rubble that it has symbolized for decades. Yes, demolition will be commencing next week on the oft loathed, seldom loved building that once was home for such memories as dumping books, wedgies, and that unforgettable chlorine-rich odor that we all came to despise.

Anyway, I'm sure you will all be there in spirit. I'm thinking an LA Laker style celebration for this one baby! Go Cedric Cebalos!


Tuesday, March 13, 2007





a glistening, dazzling, sparkle of water




a wonderment in liquid form




i need a plummer.

-the infatuated kaarbo

Thursday, March 08, 2007

My Name is Squirrel

"I want a taco"- Earl Hickey

One day my son was walking to school and the sky was blue, grass was green, and a warm yellow sun was shining down upon him. The birds sang sweetly as the school bus pulled up to the stop. The doors opened gently and then a raccoon jumped on his face.

Those raccoons are tricky. Watch out!

Don't eat crackers. Eat Goo Newtons.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Waxing and Waning

As my attention wanes, my tension waxes.

How lovely is the moon on a moonless night.

The weight of the world is more upon my lower back than actual shoulders.

Buy Goo Newtons. Now with even more trans-fat.

Doctors In Spring Never Even Yell Such Utterly Colorful Kingly Stories.

Long live Eek! the Cat!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

How to eat Goo Newtons

Long have you tormented me, oh dormant blog.

Long have you haunted my keystrokes.

No more shall you fester in the darkness.

The light shall be shown upon you.

Stay away from the Lumberjacks.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

if only David Hasselhoff were here...

This and many other phrases would nary be uttered by the Austrian turned Californian, Arnold Schwartzennegger. Below is a list of the top 20 rejected Arnold movie lines as recorded by the flaunty kaarbo and Lucrative Luke:

20. That's Mr. Butthead to you
19. No, stupid! The pink bunny is for me!
18. Brrr! Your feet are cold.
17. Dam it, these socks don't match!
16. I just love the Family Circus.
15. I know you are, but what am I?
14. The doctor said my hemorrhoids weren't that bad.
13. I cook and clean all day and this is the thanks I get?
12. What do you mean this gun doesn't have a safety?
11. Calgon, take me away!
10. Where are my mittens?
9. Mr. Welk, you clothes. Give them to me.
8. What do you mean you're out of tampons?
7. Mommy, where do babies come from?
6. Well, it's finally over, but thank God for computers.
5. Stop it. You're hurting me!
4. I am not your secretary.
3. You forgot to charge me for this uzi.
2. I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.
1. Damn it! Who left the seat up?

[originally published in Escape from the Waffle Dome]

The earth really is flat.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Syrup goes great with that

In a never ending quest to secure their place in history, kaarbo & Hellman began scripting the epic that was to be their first movie in the early 90s. Working titles included "The Call of Gleibliboch" and "Gleibliboch Man: The Spam Returns." The script was perhaps the most sought after work of its time. Speilberg, Lucas, Coppola, and even Woody Allen were embattled in a bidding war to earn the right to direct what very well could have been the movie that defined a generation. But alas, our faithful heroes were undone and the cinematic legend unrealized due to a lack of adequate creative control and mounting pressure from fans. The enigmatic duo retreated to the solitude of Corvalis, Oregon to seek the counsel of the legendary Steve Katko, guru to the stars. The mighty Katko gave his blessing for the Gleibliboch project, but also a grave warning. "The treasure you seek is great, but the cost mighty. For create the Gleibliboch legend you will, but a dire consequence there be. For with success will come the loss of all that is twenty-nine." Needless to say, a world without twenty-nine could be catastrophic and kaarbo & Hellman could not allow former Chicago White Sox pitcher, "Black Jack" McDowell's jersey number be wiped from the earth. No, chosing to pass on selfish gain of fame, fortune, and unlimited Turtle Wax, our humanitarian team saved the Earth of certain peril and also allowed "Black Jack " his opportunity to win the American League Cy Young Award in 1993. So, whenever you hear a phrase like "It's my 10th annual 29th birthday" or see a street sign for 29th Street, give a thanks to kaarbo & Hellman. You'll be glad you did.

This fish is exceptionally tender tonight.