if only David Hasselhoff were here...

This and many other phrases would nary be uttered by the Austrian turned Californian, Arnold Schwartzennegger. Below is a list of the top 20 rejected Arnold movie lines as recorded by the flaunty kaarbo and Lucrative Luke:

20. That's Mr. Butthead to you
19. No, stupid! The pink bunny is for me!
18. Brrr! Your feet are cold.
17. Dam it, these socks don't match!
16. I just love the Family Circus.
15. I know you are, but what am I?
14. The doctor said my hemorrhoids weren't that bad.
13. I cook and clean all day and this is the thanks I get?
12. What do you mean this gun doesn't have a safety?
11. Calgon, take me away!
10. Where are my mittens?
9. Mr. Welk, you clothes. Give them to me.
8. What do you mean you're out of tampons?
7. Mommy, where do babies come from?
6. Well, it's finally over, but thank God for computers.
5. Stop it. You're hurting me!
4. I am not your secretary.
3. You forgot to charge me for this uzi.
2. I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.
1. Damn it! Who left the seat up?

[originally published in Escape from the Waffle Dome]

The earth really is flat.

Syrup goes great with that

In a never ending quest to secure their place in history, kaarbo & Hellman began scripting the epic that was to be their first movie in the early 90s. Working titles included "The Call of Gleibliboch" and "Gleibliboch Man: The Spam Returns." The script was perhaps the most sought after work of its time. Speilberg, Lucas, Coppola, and even Woody Allen were embattled in a bidding war to earn the right to direct what very well could have been the movie that defined a generation. But alas, our faithful heroes were undone and the cinematic legend unrealized due to a lack of adequate creative control and mounting pressure from fans. The enigmatic duo retreated to the solitude of Corvalis, Oregon to seek the counsel of the legendary Steve Katko, guru to the stars. The mighty Katko gave his blessing for the Gleibliboch project, but also a grave warning. "The treasure you seek is great, but the cost mighty. For create the Gleibliboch legend you will, but a dire consequence there be. For with success will come the loss of all that is twenty-nine." Needless to say, a world without twenty-nine could be catastrophic and kaarbo & Hellman could not allow former Chicago White Sox pitcher, "Black Jack" McDowell's jersey number be wiped from the earth. No, chosing to pass on selfish gain of fame, fortune, and unlimited Turtle Wax, our humanitarian team saved the Earth of certain peril and also allowed "Black Jack " his opportunity to win the American League Cy Young Award in 1993. So, whenever you hear a phrase like "It's my 10th annual 29th birthday" or see a street sign for 29th Street, give a thanks to kaarbo & Hellman. You'll be glad you did.

This fish is exceptionally tender tonight.

is this right?

by kaarbo

rabbit skins
litter the sidewalk
surgical tape
covers my face
the triangle man
floods my basement
what can i do
my swimming fins are missing.

[previously unpublished]

don't eat the spinach

untitled

by the abstract kaarbo

a little man
a big man
who is to say
they are but one
a tiny man
a large man
i would like to be
but be as none
a small man
a tall man
come not alone
but with a dutch girl bun.

[orginally published in The Saga of the Verbal Spoon VI: Escape From the Waffle Dome]

Buford & Jerry love the Waffle Dome

wise-dumb

"Nice guys finish last- I'm undefeated"

"Ignorance is bliss, I'm a happy guy"

"Goo Newtons: They're not only tasty, they're also politically correct!"

"Who ordered the roast beef on rye with mustard?"

"Right now, Dom Delouise is eating your spinach"

"Steve Hauck is really Jimmy Hoffa in hiding"

"Luke Threinen is not just anotehr bungie-jumping lawyer- he also makes a mean bean dip.

The above random thoughts of kaarbo never made it to the pages of "Saga", but are beautifully remastered in this limited edition collectible post. Enjoy.

mockery

by kaarbo

mockery
cried the old man
as he sneered at the
cows
mockery
cried the prisoner
as he was being
deloused
mockery
cried the surgeon
as he sliced open my liver
mockery
i cried in vain
as the butcher hacked at my
toes.

[orginally published in The Saga of the Verbal Spoon]

Destroy the Brotherhood of Nasal Harmony

imagination

by the influctuating kaarbo

imagination comes
when

a desparate
chihuahua

covered with
spaghetti

barks silently
alone.

[previously unpublished]

Marilyn Manson ate my girlfriend.

the Waffles of Uranus

by kaarbo

how moronic are
the thieves of uranus
they cannot steal
even a simple platypus
from an open bag
their mothers whine
over the lingering threat
of a massive waffle famine
how moronic they are
for there are no waffles on uranus.

[Originally published in The Saga of the Verbal Spoon]

Failure, oh failure

"Forgive me father, for this is my first post in 4 days. I feel so ashamed."

"That's alright my son, just do 3 Hail Mary's and could you bring me that quart of Scotch over by door?"

I was digging through the lost treasures of the kaarbo basement and came across some wonderful finds. My copy of "The Saga of the Verbal Spoon" complete with a limited edition collectors plate; my copy of "The Saga of the Verbal Spoon VI: Escape from the Waffle Dome"; and several notebooks of original kaarbo & Hellman material (or Hellman & kaarbo, the legal department is still working out these details).

In the upcoming weeks I will be posting some of the most beloved material from these fine works of literary genius. In addition, I will introduce a sampling of the unpublished greatness that was to be the final chapter of our "Verbal Spoon" trilogy.

I look forward to the fame and forutne this will undoubtedly bring me. I do worry about the inevitable tabloid exploits. Ahh, the price of fame!

Eat goo Newtons!

Albatros!

Please take a moment to observe this day in history.

May 11, 1969- Monty Python is officially formed as perhaps the greatest comedy troupe in history.

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spamity, Spam!

Jebidiah Hellman, Lute for hire!

The following is an excerpt from the yet-to-be published memoires of Jebidiah Hellman, traveling minstral:

May 16, 2003- Spent the day in the park. My lute needed tuning and a quick polish after a gang of angry senior citizens attacked me with a case of Ensure shakes and Metamucil.

May 18, 2003- Another day of sunshine and blue skies. The scent of freshly cut grass was intoxicating. Or perhaps it was the pint of gin offered to me by the homeless guy in the alley. For some reason he said, "here you go pal. You need it more than me."

May 21, 2003- A gentleman came up to me today and said that I was "the best package he has seen in many a long year" and that I have an "amazingly large talent." It is wonderful to finally be recognized for my work.

May 22, 2003- The phrases "best package" and "large talent" come sharply into focus when the gentleman from yesterday showed up with a bottle of Dom Perignon and a pair of buttless chaps. I may need to rethink wearing my tights on cold mornings.

Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, & Neil Diamond?

If you play Zeppelin backward you hear secret messages about satanic rituals.

If you play the Beatles backward you hear secret messages about using drugs.

If you play Neil Diamond backward you hear secret messages about wearing sequins.

Just who should we be protecting our children from?

Thoughtless, it wakes

The turbulent night ends
Echo
A bead of dew drops from a leaf
Echo
Neighbors gather quietly
Echo
The knife ran away with the spoon
Echo.

Big Stuff Oreos, Corn Dogs, and Mt. Dew, oh my!

The silent steps of tiny horses
Echoes of a distant land
Thunderous cheers from blood thirsty crowds
Resounding off the walls of time
The dazzling heat of a noonday sun
Scorching the fields of dusty earth
Where is my licorice?

When art gives technology a wedgie

The characters: Vincent Van Gogh (age 9) & Bill Gates (age 9)
The setting: The Pirates of the Carribean Ride at Disneyworld

A chance wormhole in the time-space continuum brings together two distinguished statesmen, separted by centuries. This is the result of that chance meeting.

VVG: Hey, what's with the nerdy kid cutting in front of me.
BG: Nerdy kid, who you calling nerdy kid?
VVG: Duh, what are you, deaf? I'm callin' you the nerdy kid.
BG: Me deaf, you're the one who's going to cut off your own ear. That is just plain dumb.
VVG: Yeah well, why don't you take that calculator out of your pocket, dweeb.
BG: I'll have you know that it isn'ta calculator. It is my prototype blackberry.
VVG: Blackberry? What the heck is that supposed to mean? It isn't even a fruit you tard.
BG: Well, that's just not even accurate. My IQ is like 130 or something. Get your facts straight.
VVG: What facts, I'm just insulting you. Man are you dense.
BG: I know you are but what am I?
VVG: That's original.
BG: Yeah well, I'm gonna buy all your paintings and have my dog take a steaming dooker on them.
VVG: Like I care, by the time you do, I'll be dead anyway. So have at it.
BG: Well, then I'm gonna create a program that will erase every record of you forever.
VVG: Ooooh. I'm scared. Little nerdy Gates is gonna erase me. Oooooh.
BG: Yeah, well I'm going to Control-Alt-Delete your sorry butt pretty soon.
VVG: Man, that's all you got. This isn't even a challenge any more. Lets just let by-gones be by-gones. OK?
BG: Uh, sure.

Vincent extends a caring hand to young Bill. Just as the two are about to shake in 9-year-old truce, Vincent slyly moves behind Bill and applies the most deadly "Super Wedgie" known to mankind. It takes Bill 28 years to fully remove his tighty whities from his rectum. Vincent is sucked immediately back into the wormhole while young Bill Gates is emotionally scarred for life. To this day, "It's a Small World" is banned from use on all Microsoft operating systems.

And now for something completely different. A man with 2 noses.

If Greasy ever comes back...

How sweet they are
Those opulent moons of Saturn
Spinning, ever spinning
Without so much as a whisper
Turning, twisting, winding, revolving...
Oh no, I lost my Thesaurus.

-kaarbo

Catcher in the Rye **Fish You**

My wife has been listening to Cyndi Lauper lately. Flashback to the Eighties. Not sure if I want that memory re-etched in the cortex. I think I will lovingly remember Devo's "Whip It" instead...

Deep Thoughts with Jacky Handy-
If you see a little boy playing in a sandbox, it could be fun to run up and say "Hey, I think there is a big bag of candy buried in here" because then you can sit down and watch him dig and dig. Then, after he is really tired and upset, you can say "just kidding" and then eat a big candy bar in front of him. Yeah, that would be funny.

Karl Marx, Adam Smith, and other assorted candies.

There is an old addage in Tibet that the early bird gets the worm, but eating Goo Newtons increases life expectancy and stamina. We should all heed this advice.

Bring this post into any local retailer for 50cents off of a family pack of Goo Newtons.